Sometimes God uses the most unusual circumstances to speak to me. Perhaps it’s because when I’m wrapped up in the norm, I fail to see His leading. Such was my day yesterday.
As an artist, there are days that I just can’t get it together. No matter what I produce, I see it as crap. I experienced a day like that in class yesterday. My reaction to failure was so extreme that I wanted to pack up all my art supplies and sell them at a garage sale.
I went from that attitude to…”what is the purpose of my life anyway? Nothing I do is worth anything.” God healed me from cancer four years ago and I feel that I’ve wasted those years. What monumental thing for God have I done during those four years? NOTHING!
It’s at those emotional times I head out to walk the mountain in our neighborhood. I have two special places I go to talk to God. After arriving at my “prayer rock” I laid my hand on the huge boulder and cried “Lord, I need to know my purpose…I need to know the direction you want me to go.” As I was standing there in the silence, I began to hear a strange sound…a humming that grew louder and louder. I looked up and saw a cloud of insects heading straight towards me. My first thought was of the “killer bees” which we have here in Arizona. All I could do was stand totally still hoping they would pass and not notice me.
After they passed I realized they were headed in the direction of the path that would take me back down the mountain. I wasn’t about to go that way just in case they were lying in wait! Instead, I decided to take an unknown trail in the opposite direction. I remember telling God that I hoped the direction I was walking would take me where I needed to go rather than up to the top of the mountain. Eventually the path began a downward slope, and ahead I saw the parking lot at the bottom of the path. In that moment I understood He will lead me, even if I don’t realize He’s doing it.
As for the purpose of life….That will be my next post.